Communication Includes Kindness

In marriage, or in any relationship, God encourages us to be truthful and kind in our communication.

I often receive emails from people asking me questions about their marriage. This is not my area of expertise. I’m married, but I am not a marriage counselor.

The best marriage counseling (useful in any kind of relationship!) I’ve found is James 3:17,18:

“the wisdom from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, open to reason, full of mercy and good fruits, impartial and sincere. 18 And a harvest of righteousness is sown in peace by those who make peace.”

I’d like pass along additional great advice from a useful website:

Here is one of the messages from this website:


Communication is essential in marriage. It’s how you get to know a person. It’s how you fall in love. It’s how you begin to understand a person’s heart. It’s how we talk about problems and needs.

In war, one of the first steps to defeating an is severing their lines of communication. A lack of communication inevitably causes weakness. It leads to confusion and failure.

That’s why communication is so vital in a relationship between husband and wife. Men and women communicate very differently, but there are five standards that both genders must use with each other.

The first communication standard is caring. This is a simple principle: You can’t communicate with a person who doesn’t care. We communicate concern and interest primarily through body language.

Caring is all over your countenance. Rolling your eyes or turning your head away indicates apathy or annoyance. But if you turn toward your spouse—if you stop what you’re doing, make eye contact, and indicate you’re listening—that tells them you care. Good communication requires this.

The second standard is praise. To be successful in communicating with your spouse, you must begin with a positive tone. Negativity destroys marriages. You can say negative things when necessary, but have to be careful how you say them. You must earn the right by being a constant source of positive statements.

To praise your spouse, focus on their strengths rather than criticizing their weaknesses. A positive approach to marriage keeps us focused on what is right and why we fell in love.

The third standard of communication in marriage is truth. Ephesians 4 says believers are to speak the truth in love. Truth and love must always accompany each other. Love without truth is like a cheerleader smiling and waving her pom-poms while her team is losing. Truth without love is surgery without anesthesia.

We must get things out in the open and be honest about ourselves and each other, but this kind of communication must always be accompanied with kindness.

The fourth standard of communication is faith. Without faith, people become mean. Faith means we don’t have to be the enforcer. We can communicate with a gentle and quiet spirit. We can tell our spouse about a need or ask them to change something and then leave the rest in God’s hands.

The Lord causes change—not us. We don’t have to nag. We don’t have to bully or browbeat. Those actions divide a relationship. But with faith, once we speak the truth in love, we put everything else in the hands of God. He’s big enough to change us.

Finally, the fifth standard of positive communication in marriage is surrender. We must give our mouths and our speech to God. Once we surrender to Him, we allow Him to use our words to draw us closer together.

He will use our communication to strengthen and grow our marriage. That’s why it is so fundamental to an intimate relationship between a husband and wife.


I think these points are useful in any relationship, friendships, even in work relationships!!

Marilyn Adamson
director of,,